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Navigating the dynamics of blended families and effective co-parenting can be challenging yet rewarding.
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Whether you’re a parent, step-parent, or caregiver, you’ll gain insights into building strong, healthy relationships and fostering a positive environment for all family members.
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Complex relationships and dynamics -
"A family forest not a family tree"
Blended families
"Bonus parents: The step-parent is not a replacement but rather an extra adult in the lives of children."
Howden, 2007
Family Dynamics
​​​In Western Australia, the statistics for stepfamilies and blended families are similar to the national averages.
As of the 2021 Census, 8.5% of couple families with children in Australia were stepfamilies, and 3.5% were blended families.
This data provides insight into the prevalence of family blending and the dynamics of family structures in the region.
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Bonus Family Stages
Families often go through different stages in their development.
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This is true for blended families too; and with the added complexity of differing experiences and expectations in newly formed families it can take some time to adjust.
Blended and bonus families involves recognising the unique dynamics and challenges that come with merging different family backgrounds.​​​​​​​​​​
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​STAGE 1: Fantasy
There may be expectations that the newly formed 'bonus' family will become a big happy family. There can be some tension if some members ae looking to the future, but others are still longing for their former family.
​STAGE 2: Confusion
At least one family member feels something is not quite right and this can impact on others. It might even seem a bit overwhelming when you are trying to figure out where to start.
​STAGE 3: Rollercoaster
Emotions may be high, and the blended family may be divided as members line up to take sides. Issues can be out in the open but are largely unresolved.
​STAGE 4: Stability
A sense of a new family identity emerges as the blended family begins to stabilise and the roles are more clearly established
SOURCE: Adapted from: Howden, M. (2007) Stepfamilies: Understanding and responding effectively
Blended and stepfamilies often require extra effort in communication, understanding, and patience to navigate these stages successfully.
Each family member’s experiences and feelings should be acknowledged and respected to foster a harmonious family environment.
Potential Emotions
Members of a stepfamily may experience a spectrum of intense and unexpected emotions as they vie for a position in the new family hierarchy, grappling with feelings of rejection and acceptance
(Sager et al., 1983; Visher, 1994).
For instance, when children are left out of family plans (Cartwright, 2005), or when stepparents are excluded from decisions made by external authorities like courts (Gately et al., 2006), it can severely impact family dynamics and lead to disputes among members.
Such conflicts, while normal, are so prevalent that they have been recognised as a crisis phase in the theoretical model of stepfamily development, depicted in image below.
The Legal Lingo
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S4 Family Law Act 1975 (Cth) defines a stepparent as a person who:
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is not a parent of the child;
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is, or has been, married to or a de facto partner of a parent* of the child; and
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treats, or at any time while married to or a de facto partner of the parent*, treated the child as a member of the family formed with the parent.
*Includes same sex couples
Legal Definition: A stepparent is defined as someone who is or has been married to or a de facto partner of a child’s parent and has treated the child as a family member.
This definition helps clarify the legal standing of stepparents in relation to their stepchildren, particularly in matters of family law.​
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Parental Responsibility: Stepparents do not automatically have legal parental responsibility. They cannot make major decisions like medical treatment or school forms without a court order.
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Adoption and Parenting Orders: Adoption by a stepparent is rare and usually only considered in exceptional circumstances. Parenting Orders are more common and can grant specific responsibilities.
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Child Support: Stepparents are not automatically required to pay child support, but a court can order it in certain circumstances
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As a step-parent, you have the unique opportunity to become a pivotal figure in a child's life. This role allows your partner's child to form a meaningful bond with you, another caring adult.
Additionally, it offers you and your partner the chance to solidify your bond by collaboratively parenting.
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Initially, your partner's child may be reserved or uneasy around you, which is natural. Building a comfortable and authentic connection with your partner's child may require time.
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You may occasionally face challenging responses from the child's other biological parent, influencing the child's feelings and behavior towards you.
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Furthermore, you and your partner may encounter differences in parenting styles, discipline approaches, and managing work-family dynamics.
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The Good News
Children can accept parenting figures into their lives without substituting or losing existing parenting figures.(Pryor, 2005)
Positive parent and stepparent support can enable positive relationships and improve the families' well-being. (Jensen et al., 2017).
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What can get in the way?
Children may experience higher amounts of stress than adults as they tend to be unable to have a say or influence the family outcomes they desire (Jensen et al., 2017)
Children may find it difficult to accept the new family structure (Lavoie, 2020)
The bonus parent and the child (or children) have a shared connection with the biological parent but still need to form a relationship with each other.
This can be hindered by:
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possible resentment from the child and/or the stepparent if they feel they are competing for the biological parent's attention.
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expectations about roles in the stepfamily that are either not communicated or are so different it is difficult for family members to adjust
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a clash between the parenting styles of the biological parent and the stepparent
Time is your ally.
Take it slow and steady.
Ask for respect but be aware you may not get an immediate bond with your stepchild/ren.
From little things, big things grow.
Strategies
A new family structure requires adaption and adjustment. (Lavoie, 2020)
'Blending' a new family is a team effort. Ideally, it would have the biological parents and the stepparents working together and also have 'age/development appropriate' input from the children. But in the words of the Rolling Stones "you can't always get what you want."
If only we could hand you a failsafe set of practical strategies to get, and maintain, your stepfamily on the expressway to success. We can't.
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What we do have are some ideas that other stepfamilies and the people who work with them say have helped.
Unless there is no other option, or you have already negotiated this role in your stepfamily children usually respond more positively to a stepparent in the support role rather than as the main disciplinarian.
CMS
Developing new routines and traditions in the blended family will take time.
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Not everyone will be on the same page on the same day.
Expectations and emotions - yours and other family member's - can test the best-intentioned efforts.
Understandings Agreements and Expectations
Making some guidelines with your partner about when you will be actively involved in the parenting role and when you will be there as a support person can ease the transitions for the children and the adults in the family unit.
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The following links will provide some extra information about the step-parent role.