Love Languages and children
Understanding your child’s Love Language can be a game-changer in building a stronger, more supportive relationship.
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Every child has a unique way of feeling loved and appreciated. By tuning into their Love Language, you can connect with them on a deeper level and boost their well-being.
According to Dr. Gary Chapman every person has a "love tank" that is filled up when others "speak their love language".
Most people have a primary love language that especially connects with them and makes them feel loved. Some people have a secondary love language.
Love languages and parenting
Why are Love Languages useful in parenting?
​By tuning into your child’s love language, you can help them to better feel understood and valued, creating a stronger connection with them.
This supports your child’s overall development and well-being. There are four key areas love languages can help with children and parenting.
Building a relationship
Children often respond more to emotions than to reason, so they remember feelings much more than facts. This is why love languages can be such a useful tool to strengthening your relationship with your child.
" I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel." Maya Angelou
Behaviour and Attitude
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“Love me when I least deserve it, because that's when I really need it.”  Swedish proverb
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A child’s behaviour often reflects their emotional and physical needs e.g. feelings of resentment, guilt, fear and insecurity can show up as challenging behaviours.  When this behaviour needs to be addressed it is much easier for them to accept direction in an environment where they feel valued.
Brain Development
Studies of the brain show that the key areas of the brain important for learning, memory and stress responses are larger in children who feel well loved and nurtured. For those who like neuroscience this area is called the hippocampus! For the rest of us, it just helps us to know that when we try our best with our kids it really does help their development.
Role Modelling
“My father is my rock. It’s where I learned everything about loyalty, dependability, being there day in, day out, no matter what…" Hugh Jackman
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Children learn how to negotiate future relationships in the family unit. Role modelling can instil good habits and shape attitudes and behaviours in a positive way.
The ' Love Cup'
Viewing time: 3:32mins
In this video, Esther, a relationship counsellor, discusses the importance of understanding your child's love language to ensure that your efforts resonate with their unique way of experiencing love.
She introduces the concept of the 'love cup,' explaining how a full cup enables children to behave in healthy and joyful ways. Additionally, Esther shares insights into the differences between her children's love languages, highlighting the need for tailored approaches in nurturing their emotional well-being.
Some kids feel most loved when they hear positive words. Compliments, encouragement, and kind words can make their day. Try saying things like, “I’m so proud of you!” or “You did a great job!”
Spending undivided time together is crucial for some kids. Whether it’s playing a game, reading a book, or just talking, your full attention makes them feel valued and loved.
For others, actions speak louder than words. Helping with homework, making their favorite meal, or doing something special for them shows you care. Little acts of kindness can mean the world to them.
Hugs, high-fives, and cuddles can be incredibly comforting. Physical touch can be a powerful way to show your love and support.
​​​Some children feel loved when they receive thoughtful gifts. It doesn’t have to be anything big or expensive. Even a small surprise, like a handmade card or a favorite snack, can light up their face.
Finding Your Child’s Love Language
Viewing time: 3:08mins
Remember, every child is different, and their Love Language might change over time.
The key is to stay attuned to their needs and keep showing your love in ways that resonate with them.
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Observe how your child expresses love to others and what they ask for most often.
Do they light up with praise, or do they cherish your time together?
Understanding these cues can help you identify their primary Love Language.
Words of Affirmation
Sometimes when I get down on myself, she tells me how much she loves me and tells me all the good things about myself that I sometimes forget.
I couldn’t make it without her.
14-year-old girl about stepmother
​People who receive love in this way will want to be hearing or seeing words of encouragement or praise for good choices/effort.
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Daily Compliments: Regularly praise your child for their efforts and achievements, no matter how small.
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Encouraging Notes: Leave little notes in their lunchbox or around the house with positive messages.
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Verbal Praise: Make it a habit to verbally acknowledge their good behaviour and accomplishments.
Possible challenge:
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Not everyone is comfortable giving praise or affirming messages so you might feel a bit uncomfortable for a while.
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Body Image Concerns: Complimenting teens on their looks can sometimes lead to an overemphasis on physical appearance.
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Pressure to Succeed: Praising teens for being smart or talented can inadvertently create pressure to always perform at a high level.
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Comparison with Peers: Affirmations that highlight specific achievements or qualities can sometimes lead to unhealthy comparisons with peers.
What you can do:
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Your words need to be genuine and regular. Focus on specific actions or efforts rather than general traits.
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Encourage Growth: Emphasise effort, improvement, and learning from mistakes to foster a growth mindset.
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Balance Affirmations: Include affirmations that focus on character and values, such as kindness, resilience, and empathy, rather than just looks or intelligence.
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Instead of: “Good job!”
Try Being Specific and Genuine:
“I was really impressed with how you handled that presentation. You explained your points clearly and confidently.”
Try Encouraging a Growth Mindset:
“I saw how you tackled that difficult problem and didn’t give up. Your persistence is impressive!”
Try Emphasising Character and Values:
“I really admire how kind you were to your friend today. It shows what a thoughtful person you are.”
Try Focusing on Effort and Improvement:
“I noticed how much effort you put into studying for that test. Your dedication really paid off!”
Acts of Service
What it looks like:
People who receive love in this way will feel loved and valued when others around them are “doing” for them.
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Helping with Tasks: Assist them with their homework or chores, showing that you care through your actions.
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Special Treats: Prepare their favorite meal or snack as a surprise.
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Routine Support: Consistently help with daily routines, like getting ready for school or bedtime.
Possible challenge:
Can be hard to isolate as parenting is already a service-oriented vocation! “Do” because you want to not because there is an expectation/obligation as your child will sense this.
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What you can do:
The aim is not to create dependency. For example, when they are young an act of service is to wash their clothes; as a teen it would be to teach them how to wash their clothes. Of course, you can still do their laundry for them - just not always.
What it looks like:
People who receive love in this way feel loved and valued by being given something visible/tangible to show their specific needs/wants have been considered. The material value of the gift is not important.
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Thoughtful Tokens: Give small, meaningful gifts that show you’re thinking of them, like a favorite snack or a new book.
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Celebratory Gifts: Reward them with a gift for special achievements or milestones.
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Handmade Gifts: Create something personal, like a drawing or craft, to show your love.
Possible challenge:
Can become a substitute language for parents/carers who are time poor or don't have regular contact with their child.
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What you can do:
Mark special milestones with small personal gifts and also give occasional surprise
"I saw this and thought of you" gifts.
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Receiving Gifts
What it looks like:
People who receive love in this way need to have the physical contact/connection.
Respecting Boundaries: Always ask for consent before engaging in physical touch, especially with older children. Phrases like “Can I give you a hug?” can help ensure that the child feels respected and in control of their personal space.
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Hugs and Cuddles: Regularly offer hugs, cuddles, and other forms of affectionate touch.
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Playful Interaction: Engage in physical play, like tickling or wrestling, if they enjoy it.
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Comforting Touch: Use gentle touch to comfort them when they’re upset or anxious.
Possible challenge:
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We all have to set our own boundaries for physical touch and even proximity. Be led by your child's cues. Even if this is your child's love language trying to touch/hold someone when they’re angry can feel like control so may get an adverse reaction.
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Misinterpretation: Physical touch can sometimes be misinterpreted, especially in public settings or with older children.
What you can do:
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Negotiate different ways that will work for both you and your child e.g. a special handshake/high five
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Balancing Love Languages: While physical touch might be your primary love language, it’s beneficial to balance it with other love languages like words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, and gifts. This ensures that the child feels loved in multiple ways and helps avoid over-reliance on one form of expression.
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Educating About Consent: Teach children about the importance of consent and personal boundaries. This not only helps them understand their own comfort levels but also respects others’ boundaries.
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This video has been recommended by experts in our Services as a video to explain Sexual consent well and may be a more appropriate resource for young people rather than young children.
Physical Touch
What it looks like:
People who receive love in this way feel loved and valued by “being with” their loved one.
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One-on-One Time: Spend dedicated time with your child doing activities they enjoy, like playing games or reading together.
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Solo Outings: Plan special outings with just the two of you, like a trip to the park or a movie.
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Daily Check-Ins: Make time each day to talk about their day and listen to their thoughts and feelings.
Possible challenge:
Can be a difficult language because of the ‘busyness’ of our lives + quality time can’t always be scheduled. Sometimes it happens/arises out of quantity time (just being there).
What you can do:
Making time exclusively for your child may be all they want you to do e.g. family time is important, but 1-1 time may allow for more meaningful interactions for a child who experiences ‘love’ in this way.
Quality Time
What about you?
Viewing time: 2:03mins
In the video above, Anglicare WA’s Parenting Coordinator, Esther, shares valuable insights on the importance of self-care while parenting.
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She emphasises the need to put your own oxygen mask on first and encourages you to discover your love language, as well as that of your partner. Esther's personal anecdotes make her message relatable and inspiring.
Filling up your own love cup is essential not only for well-being but also for the well-being of your children.
As adults, have the ability to express and request our needs and wants, which allows us to model healthy emotional habits for our kids.
It's important to ask yourself:
Are your love tanks full enough?
Do you have enough to give to your children while still reserving some for yourself and other relationships in your life?
Imagine you’re on an airplane, and the flight attendant is giving the safety briefing. They always say, “Put on your own oxygen mask before helping others.”
This advice is crucial because if you don’t take care of yourself first, you won’t be able to help those who depend on you.
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As a parent, self-care works the same way. By ensuring your own well-being, you are better equipped to care for your children.
Just like securing your oxygen mask first, taking time for self-care—whether it’s a few moments of quiet, exercise, or pursuing a hobby—ensures you have the energy and mental clarity to support and nurture your kids effectively.
Remember, you can’t pour from an empty cup. Taking care of yourself is not selfish; it’s essential for being the best parent you can be.
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