Emotion Coaching
Emotion coaching can be a useful parenting tool to help kids handle their feelings in a constructive way.
"Children aren’t born knowing how to regulate their emotions any more than they are born knowing how to tie their shoes.”
https://genmindful.com/
An important step for our children to learn to regulate strong emotions is to experience co-regulation from a warm and responsive caregiver.
Emotion coaching is an approach that can provide a co-regulation framework for families. Emotion Coaching was developed by Dr. John Gottman and at Anglicare WA we think it’s a really useful tool to have in your parenting toolkit.
This short course explains the basics of Emotion Coaching and gives you some tips to try at home with your own children.
Goals
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Understanding Emotion Coaching
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Identify the six areas that Emotion Coaching addresses.
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Describe the benefits of Emotion Coaching.
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Applying Emotion Coaching in Daily Life
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Introduce the five steps of Emotion Coaching.
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Explain each of the five steps in detail.
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Considerations for Emotion Coaching
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Recognise situations when Emotion Coaching should not be used.
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Understand the realistic time frame for seeing results from Emotion Coaching.
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What is emotion coaching?
Emotions are intricate reactions that occur in our bodies and minds in response to various stimuli.
Emotion coaching is a tool that can help children navigate their emotions, build resilience, and develop into well-rounded individuals.
Emotion coaching is a valuable approach for several reasons:
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Emotional Awareness: It helps children become more aware of their emotions and understand what they are feeling.
This awareness is the first step towards emotional intelligence.
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Self-Regulation: By learning to identify and manage their emotions, children can develop better self-regulation skills.
This means they are less likely to have intense emotional outbursts and more likely to handle their feelings in a constructive way.
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Problem-Solving Skills: Emotion coaching encourages children to shift from negative responses to problem-solving.
This helps them learn how to deal with challenges and find solutions to their problems.
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Resilience: Children who are coached on their emotions tend to be more resilient.
They can bounce back from setbacks more easily because they have the tools to manage their emotions effectively.
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Improved Relationships: Emotion coaching fosters better communication and understanding between parents and children.
This can lead to stronger, more positive relationships.
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Confidence and Self-Esteem: As children learn to manage their emotions and solve problems, their confidence and self-esteem grow.
They feel more capable and valued.
There are five main parts to Emotion Coaching:
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Awareness: become aware of your child’s emotions.
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Recognition: see your child’s emotional expression as an opportunity for teaching and connection.
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Empathy: listen to your child and validate their feelings.
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Labelling: help your child to label their emotions with words.
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Problem-Solving: help your child solve problems or deal with upsetting situations appropriately, you may need to set limits and problem solve together.
To explore how to identify emotions and communicate feelings see Understanding Emotions course
Emotion coaching technique
Emotion coaching is a parenting technique developed by Dr. John Gottman that helps children understand and manage their emotions.
Here are the key elements:
Step 1 - Awareness
Parents become aware of your child’s emotions and of your own. Role modelling communicating about your emotions is a great foundation in showing your children how to. Try to step back and observe: •how your child responds to different situations • how you and your child interact Changes in facial expressions, body language, posture, and tone of voice can give some clues but try not to 'assume' you know what your child is feeling. Check in with them.
Step 2 - Recognition
Recognise the child’s emotional expression as an opportunity for teaching and intimacy. Recognise the emotion as an opportunity to connect and coach. Emotion Coaching is about connecting and then redirecting. Connecting may look different for everyone - including siblings - so figuring out what works best for your child can take some time and experimentation. You could try: • getting down to their level if they are younger • holding non -challenging gentle eye contact OR no eye contact at all •touching/ holding their hand (if they are comfortable with that) • just sitting beside them (car drives are an example of non-threating opportunities to talk) IMPORTANT: If you feel your own emotions are starting to get in the way of your ability to connect with your child, use strategies to calm and re-centre yourself before continuing the process.
Step 3- Empathy
Listen empathetically and validate the child’s feelings. Sometimes just acknowledging how your child is feeling and taking time to listen to what is going on for them is just what they need in that moment. This is called validating your child's emotion, and though simple, it can be really effective at helping your child to regulate their emotions. You could try using statements like: “It sounds like you’re really frustrated. I would like to understand why you feel that way.” “It’s okay to feel angry sometimes. Everyone feels that way.”
Step 4 - Labeling:
Help the child label their emotions with words. There is a great phrase which says, “name it to tame it”. When you can label what an emotion is, it helps to lessen its emotional effect. You can help your child to learn how to name their emotions by role modelling. Naming your own emotions and talking about them shows your child how to do it. You can also build your child’s vocabulary for different feelings by using 'stem' statements. For example: “Looks to me like you’re feeling kind of …” “If that happened to me, I’d feel…” “I can only imagine that you are feeling…about this.”
Step 5 - Problem Solving
Explore possible solutions and set limits. Only move to this step once your child feels heard and is calmer. Emotional expression is a normal part of life and as a parent our role is to set clear guidelines for behaviour when dealing with challenging situations. Use open ended questions to help spark their creativity and to explore other points of view. “Next time you’re feeling ……, what could you try so that you don’t …….” “When you feel ……., what can you do to make you feel better?” You might try using your own experiences; “When Mummy is tired she has quiet time in her room to help her feel happier.” “When Mummy is sad, she asks Daddy for a hug” Try to resist the temptation to solve the problem for them so they can learn to trust their own decisions and abilities. Of course, step in if the problem is too big for them to handle on their own or if they are becoming overwhelmed.
IMPORTANT:
If you feel your own emotions are starting to get in the way of your ability to connect with your child, use strategies to calm and re-centre yourself before continuing the process.
Is it the right tool to use?
Emotion Coaching may not always be an effective tool.
Be mindful that emotion coaching may not always be the best approach depending upon what else is happening for you and your child.
You may choose to NOT emotion coach if:
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You are pressed for time
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You need to address serious misbehaviour
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You or your child are too upset
Your child is 'faking' an emotion to manipulate the situation. Take your time to be certain before dismissing this as an opportunity because there might still be something to explore -
You don’t feel comfortable in the environment that you are in, or your child doesn't. This may be that others such as siblings or friends are around, or even child may be hungry.
You know your family best, so there may be other times not listed here as well.
Other things to consider
Some additional considerations for Emotion Coaching:
Impact of Trauma: Children who have experienced trauma may have more complex emotional needs and might require specialized support beyond standard Emotion Coaching techniques.
Self-Assessment: It’s important for parents or caregivers to assess whether they are the right person to have the conversation with the child. Sometimes, a neutral third party, such as a therapist, might be more effective.
Language Limitations: Discussing emotions can be limited by language due to age or experience. Children might struggle to articulate their feelings accurately, which can lead to misunderstandings or incomplete emotional processing.
Consistency and Patience: Emotion coaching requires consistent effort and patience from parents or caregivers. It can be time-consuming and may not show immediate results, which can be frustrating.
Individual Differences: Not all children respond to emotion coaching in the same way. Some might find it more challenging to engage with the process, requiring tailored approaches.
Developmental Stages: Consider the child’s developmental stage when applying Emotion Coaching. Younger children might need simpler explanations and more concrete examples.
Cultural Sensitivity: Be aware of cultural differences in expressing and understanding emotions. Tailor your approach to fit the child’s cultural background.
Emotional Readiness: Ensure that the child is emotionally ready to engage in Emotion Coaching. Forcing the process can lead to resistance and further emotional distress.
These considerations can help make Emotion Coaching more effective and responsive to the unique needs of each child.
Contact Anglicare WA
Everyone needs help sometimes. Anglicare WA is here to support you without judgement.
Anglicare WA offers a wide range of services in multiple locations across WA, we’re never too far away.
If you’re not sure where to go, call us on 1300 11 44 46.
REQUEST A CALL BACK
to discuss Anglicare services.
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If an emergency
please call a crisis service or 000
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